there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
