clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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