i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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