I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
