they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
So much rum. So many feels.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
