Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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