My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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