woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
