need another drink. this is the easiest way
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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