Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
