I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
