I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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