my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
God, I missed his penis.
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