How'd it feel making her break her religion?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
