just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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