My sheets look like a crime scene.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize