someone get that fucking seahorse.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
