It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
