Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
