rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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