Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
