did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
