why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
