I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
