In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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