I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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