so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
