hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
