No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
