Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
The beer is more important than you right now.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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