If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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