I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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