According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I touched a dick in church today
My bed smells like the plague
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