when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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