God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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