If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
