Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
