Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
