On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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