Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
