What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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