some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
