I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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