I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
