Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
