woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
