everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
