the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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