I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
