remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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