Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
not ubering you a puppy
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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